December Drab

December and January are the toughest months of the year for me. It’s the most depressing time in the entire year. Reminiscing good times spent during the year, and wary of what the next year might have to offer…the wave of depression usually hits during Christmas, and ends sometime during Valentines. So yeah, Merry Christmas. 

Resolutions? NAH. Instead, I would continue evolving in this journey called life.  Change things that should be changed, that’s all. People make me hate my self for sounding this ancient, but at the end of the day I enjoy this. People who think I am too uncool to be seen around with, well, they could go fly kites for all I care. I enjoy being who I am, let it be this way no?

So yeah, you guessed it right. It’s a depressing phase right now. So many thoughts, so much to feel..it’s kind of overwhelming.  I don’t know where to start from, it’s all so muddled up. So I am going to note down my feelings here, and hopefully feel better by the end of it.

1.       3 days to go before my last day at my office. I would be relieved, yes, but it’s like shifting out of my comfort zone. And it disturbs me. Work isn’t only about “work”, it includes a lot of memories from my personal life too- those good old times when I used to leave work early to meet the boyfriend, the times when  I reached work early so that I could leave early, the times I spent talking to the boyfriend on the phone, lunch breaks, tea breaks, and the wonderful friends that I made there. I know I will move on, but letting go is a sad process.

2.       The year is ending. So much has happened in  this year (refer previous blog post) I have learnt so much, evolved so much, it’s scary stepping into 2014, not knowing what comes next.  All that I know is life will only get more serious henceforth.  I am fine with THAT, it’s just the uncertainty that scares me.

3.       All of a sudden I go through this phase of self-introspection every year end.  Currently, I feel mature and evolved and all of that, but also a little bit disappointed in myself. Disappointed ‘cos I did not say things that I wanted to when the time was right, disappointed cos I couldn’t tell people what they mean to me, disappointed cos maybe sometimes I was a bit too harsh, disappointed cos yes I have been very judgemental.  I don’t regret anything, I learn from my mistakes, but maybe sometimes things don’t work out right away, cos something bigger and better is coming up in the future. Maybe.

4.       I hate myself for being too optimistic. Agreed, it helps a lot of other people, but it KILLS ME. And I doubt there is anyone around me who knows how pessimistic I could get.  Maybe sometimes, I need to let my guard down and show people how weak I could be.  Maybe.

5.       People tend to like me cos I am a sport.  And I am not going to change that.

6.       Is there a God up there? Really? If there is, why hasn’t he had some pity on me? Why hasn’t he seen how strong I have been, why couldn’t he have let this year end on a good note? Eh? Why? I really don’t have all the time in the world to feel sorry for myself, that’s another level of loser. So yeah, Dear God, do something. SOON.

7.       I have made a very very special friend this year. He taught me how to trust again. He taught me how to stay strong, mentally and physically. I could have been in awe of him, but he has always made me feel like an equal. No one has ever inspired me the way he has. Nostalgia is not always a sad thing- the most important thing he has made me realize (I used to be prone to mood swings and depression once upon a time.) And the way he reads my mind- if that’s not magic, I don’t know what is. And because God couldn’t create anything perfect, he put him 3000km away. Well played God, well played.

8.       2 people (close to me) have told me how judgemental I have become over the last 1 year. Got me thinking, yes it did.  But someone said one simple thing, and made things all right- if you are judging them for stereotyping you, I don’t think it’s your fault” God bless this woman. She’s made me feel a lot better already.

9.       One more very important thing that I MUST keep in mind- never compare yourself to others. The grass is always greener on the other side.  Have patience, and you shall be rewarded. Or so I hope. 

10.   If someone wants to be your friend, he/she will make an effort, even after you hurt them. Yeah, friends do that, I realized that this year. Keep them close. Others who “promised to be there” but ignore you on the sidewalk while you are weeping, well, they can go to hell.

11.   Life is too short. People die. I don’t want people to die. Also, make an effort to stay healthy people. 

12.   It’s been 7 months since he has gone. I am sure he misses me too, but is too macho to show it. So on behalf of both of us, Dear God, if you exist, PROVE IT.

Yeah so the above 11 points will keep me preoccupied for the next 6 weeks. So by then, hopefully I have something awesome to look forward to.